What should I write about? What do I decide is important enough for me to write about and also important enough for you to read about? Are my daily struggles worth putting into words to share with you? The world? Do you really care? Is it worth it? Is it??
You tell me.
A lot of people when they hear this tend to think the worst. They think of the cutters, the one who take their own lives and the ones who stand out from the crowd. But what about the ones who struggle with it? The ones who manage to convince everyone that they’re fine? Those are the ones who struggle the most with it. I know because I am one of them. I struggle with depression on a consistent basis and yet, I don’t think many people know.
I smile and act like I’m having fun but everyday I go home and I see how empty my apartment is and I start to struggle with those feelings. I never want to cut myself but I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t struggle with depression. True, there are days when I’m fine but then there are days when it’s all I can do to sit and cry and eat.
I know that I’m rambling but it’ll make sense soon. Maybe. One day. I’m tired and I’ll do better tomorrow at this blog thing. Night.
…..And the struggle I face. It’s an everyday, constant struggle. As I type this, I am watching an American Dad episode where the dad thinks that he’s too fat and decides to become anorexic and bulimic and it makes me wonder, how much of this do I believe? Do I think that I am fat when I’m not?? It doesn’t help that the Navy tells me I’m too fat for my height but how much do I believe of it to be true?? Every single day, I am faced with a choice of what to eat and unlike everyone else, fear drives me. Fear that eating the wrong thing will result in me gaining too much weight or that the opposite will happen and I’ll become anorexic. That fear is soo strong it’s almost ridiculous. I know I already mentioned my fear and how I struggle with it but what I didn’t mention is that I also struggle with depression, but that’s gonna be a different post. I’ll relate them in a different post.
I am so frustrated!!
First off, I didn’t post yesterday but oh well.
Second of all, I am sooo frustrated with a coworker. Let me explain. I work in communications and except for me, everyone is a gamer. I don’t mind playing games but I’m not a gamer by any means. I have gotten teased on for it a few times by everyone but this coworker is something else. He constantly pisses me off. He can’t be wrong and has to have the last word in any conversation we have. I cannot understand this guy sometimes!!!
Last of all, I have two days to lose two pounds and I’m worried that a) I won’t be able to, or b) I’ll lose the weight and start becoming anorexic so it won’t happen again. I don’t want either to happen. I really want to pass so I can say I never failed a weigh-in and so I can get orders to Norfolk.
That’s all for now in terms of griping and complaining.
In other words, I had a friend from class show me some things to do in the weight room in terms of upper body and it was cool. I finally had someone to show me some things I can do without being worried that I am doing them wrong. It’s cool. My arms are gonna be so sore tomorrow.
This is something I need to do. I need to write about my struggles and what I feel and what’s been going on. I don’t care if anyone reads these posts but it’s gonna be nice to get stuff off my chest.
I am currently waiting to see when I will be getting new orders. My detailer is trying to get me new orders to Norfolk so I can be with Josh. Granted, I might be on a ship but I can still come home to Josh and be with him instead being 1500 miles away.
I haven’t really taken any pictures lately. I haven’t been inspired. I’ve also been battling depression which makes being apart from Josh even harder. Before I go any further, I need to refrain myself. I’m saying the same things and nothing has changed. I need to figure out how to cope. It’s gonna be hard but I hope that I can do it.
Lately I have been having some struggles. I know no one reads these posts but I feel like it’s important to put words down on paper, whether literally or figuratively via this blog.
I am going to list in bullet form with a short paragraph beneath, all of my struggles at the moment.
- Being separated (geographically) from my spouse is a major part of my depression
Every day I wake up in an empty bed in an empty apartment. I go to work where I feel alone (I’ll cover that in a minute) and when my shift is done, I come home to an empty apartment once more. I cook meals for one and when I make more than I can eat at one time, I feel depressed because Josh isn’t here. I get depressed when I think about how no one seems to be reaching out, how everyone has plans on this beautiful Friday night and I’m home alone because I know better than to go out by myself in this city. I don’t like this at all and to top it off, I have no one who I can go to talk about it because no one knows what it’s like.
Also, my family who I am very close to, are stationed overseas and because of the time difference I can’t talk to them as much and they aren’t there when I need their advice or just want to talk to them.
I have never felt so alone.
I work with Navy and Air Force. The Air Force guys get along but the two female Sailors are great friends and I don’t fit into their friendship at all. When we are together, I feel like a third wheel of their friendship which isn’t fun at all.
- I am struggling with losing weight.
You can’t tell when you look at me but according to everything I can find, I am overweight. I am 160lbs at 64.5″ which is more than I want to be. I know that I need to eat healthier but since I keep struggling with depression, I have a hard time with that. I know that working out will help change that but it’s hard when I am on nights. I know these are all excuses but I don’t want to do this alone and everyone is asleep when I am wide awake and ready to go. I need to lose weight but I feel like I can’t at all.
There are sooo many things that I have been pondering lately.
I have been debating whether to stay in the Navy or not. I just tested for 3rd class – which I feel like I failed because I didn’t know half of the information – and I should be able to test next year for 2nd class but I don’t know if I’ll stay in and try for 1st or get out and start my business. I know Josh wants to get out but I don’t know what I want to do. I want to support him as his wife but I don’t want to lose sight of my own dreams either.
I have been wondering when to have kids. Heck, am I even capable of having and/or providing for kids?? While Josh is worried about messing up either one of our daughters (whenever we have them), I’m just worried about messing them up at all. I’m worried that I won’t be as good of a parent as my parents – that I’ll screw it up even worse and people will think I’m a horrible daughter.
This isn’t really a question but more an issue of whining on my part. Why is it that I can run really well, do my sit-ups and push-ups to pass the PRT but I can’t seem to lose weight????? I really don’t like my body right now – as much as I love my mother – why did I have to get her hips? It doesn’t help when I gain weight and have to get taped at my hips!