Struggles

Lately I have been having some struggles. I know no one reads these posts but I feel like it’s important to put words down on paper, whether literally or figuratively via this blog.

I am going to list in bullet form with a short paragraph beneath, all of my struggles at the moment.

  • Being separated (geographically) from my spouse is a major part of my depression

Every day I wake up in an empty bed in an empty apartment. I go to work where I feel alone (I’ll cover that in a minute) and when my shift is done, I come home to an empty apartment once more. I cook meals for one and when I make more than I can eat at one time, I feel depressed because Josh isn’t here. I get depressed when I think about how no one seems to be reaching out, how everyone has plans on this beautiful Friday night and I’m home alone because I know better than to go out by myself in this city. I don’t like this at all and to top it off, I have no one who I can go to talk about it because no one knows what it’s like.

Also, my family who I am very close to, are stationed overseas and because of the time difference I can’t talk to them as much and they aren’t there when I need their advice or just want to talk to them.

I have never felt so alone.

  • I feel alone at work.

I work with Navy and Air Force. The Air Force guys get along but the two female Sailors are great friends and I don’t fit into their friendship at all. When we are together, I feel like a third wheel of their friendship which isn’t fun at all.

  • I am struggling with losing weight.

You can’t tell when you look at me but according to everything I can find, I am overweight. I am 160lbs at 64.5″ which is more than I want to be. I know that I need to eat healthier but since I keep struggling with depression, I have a hard time with that. I know that working out will help change that but it’s hard when I am on nights. I know these are all excuses but I don’t want to do this alone and everyone is asleep when I am wide awake and ready to go. I need to lose weight but I feel like I can’t at all.

 

Ponderings……..

There are sooo many things that I have been pondering lately.

I have been debating whether to stay in the Navy or not. I just tested for 3rd class – which I feel like I failed because I didn’t know half of the information – and I should be able to test next year for 2nd class but I don’t know if I’ll stay in and try for 1st or get out and start my business. I know Josh wants to get out but I don’t know what I want to do. I want to support him as his wife but I don’t want to lose sight of my own dreams either.

I have been wondering when to have kids. Heck, am I even capable of having and/or providing for kids?? While Josh is worried about messing up either one of our daughters (whenever we have them), I’m just worried about messing them up at all. I’m worried that I won’t be as good of a parent as my parents – that I’ll screw it up even worse and people will think I’m a horrible daughter.

This isn’t really a question but more an issue of whining on my part. Why is it that I can run really well, do my sit-ups and push-ups to pass the PRT but I can’t seem to lose weight????? I really don’t like my body right now – as much as I love my mother – why did I have to get her hips? It doesn’t help when I gain weight and have to get taped at my hips!

Knitting….

Is not just for the old ladies without husbands who like to gossip – no, it’s for people like me as well. People who haveĀ  always wanted to try it but felt they couldn’t learn something so ‘complex’. Let me tell you this – knitting is only complex is you let it be! I personally find it easy and relaxing. Something I can do where I feel accomplished when I look at it. Something I can do a little bit of whenever I have a few minutes to relax. I’m currently working on a scarf for my friend, Angel Bennett, and even though I only have one pattern, I am making it as complex as I can.

It’s gonna be 2 twists, 3 twists, 2 thick twists, 1 huge twist and then I’m gonna bring it back down to end in some regular knitting/purling rows.

 

I do have one thing to say – I said that knitting can be complex only if you let it be and that is true not only for knitting but for everything in life. If we think it’s complex then it’s gonna be. From knitting to working out to reading to everything. Things are only complex if we let them.

Resolutions

Every year, we decide to make resolutions. We decide that we wanna lose weight, read more, exercise more, eat less, get closer to God, etc but we never take into account the one thing we need. It’s not more determination, it’s not strength, I mean it is but it isn’t. What was the last thing I listed in our ‘resolutions shpeel’? To get closer to God – we can’t make our resolutions until we do that. God gives us the strength and determination to make sure we follow through on our resolutions. My resolution this year – grow closer to God and my husband – with the help and strength from both – I’m sure I can do whatever God wants me to do this year.

Life alone

Life alone might sound super cool, no one to tell you what to do and when, or where to go but it’s not all glamorous. I still have places I have to be; I still have things that I need to do and I also have bills I have to pay. I miss my husband more and more every day. Life is not glamorous – at all.

Next week my hubby will be here – Yay!!!! He’ll be here for Christmas – which is good that we’ll be able to spend our first Christmas together.

I’ve been slowly but surely decorating the apartment. I’ve gotten some decals for the walls. My favorite one is in the living room and it says: Sing like no one is listening. Dance like no one is watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. It’s very appropriate for both me and Josh as we’ve both been unlucky in love before meeting each other and we can both be goofy and silly.

Tomorrow, Courtney is badging up and I will be the last one from class 11460 here in San Antonio to badge up. I don’t mind being in holding but it sucks when others badge up and I don’t. That, and my husband is actually doing his job also. I don’t like going to school and through all this training and then not doing my job.

I miss my family. Especially since it’s the holidays and for the first time I won’t be home to spend it with them. Yes, I will be spending it with my hubby but it’s gonna be different without all my siblings there. Maybe another year.

Random Story

The corner was the perfect waiting spot. No one could sneak up from behind; no one could escape her eye. Her anxiety had no abated since she had walked in; it wouldn’t leave til she did. But she had to be here, she just had to.

Sitting in a little two-seater booth, she remained unnoticed. Jasmine yellow shutters stood floor to ceiling separated the dining room into sections; carpet covered the floor in an asparagus green where the sandstone tiles were not present. The outermost walls were also covered in the same sandstone tiles as the main walkways. The greens, yellows and browns complimented each other and gave the place a simple, yet refined, combination of country and city.

Person after person, family after family came in. The smells of lunch filled the air. Fresh warm bread, homemade soups and pies all combined their enticing smells to remind one of home. All except one, that is. She was too attentive to detail to smell the scents without hearing the noise. Pots and pans banging, cooks and servers arguing, parents scolding their children, but over all, laughter.

Pure, sweet, mischievous laughter emanated from a little boy about 10ft away. His dad was tickling him while his mother gently smiled. A twinge of jealousy sprouted in her; why couldn’t she have had that?

Loneliness

Being lonely is really, well, lonely. There are many times when I am sitting on my bed or on the floor, watching videos on my laptop and I just get this overwhelming sense of loneliness. Of being alone. Of being unsure. Every day I struggle with being alone, in a new city, far from home and even worse, far from my husband. I struggle with not knowing what to do, or what to eat. I struggle with not wanting to go out because I might get lost and because I don’t know what to do but I also fight with being inside all the time. Granted, the weather is nice and beautiful right now so it’s nice in my apartment but it’s not home. I have to drive everywhere I go whereas at Corry I didn’t have to.

I’m just lonely. I don’t know what to do or say anymore.