Ponderings……..

There are sooo many things that I have been pondering lately.

I have been debating whether to stay in the Navy or not. I just tested for 3rd class – which I feel like I failed because I didn’t know half of the information – and I should be able to test next year for 2nd class but I don’t know if I’ll stay in and try for 1st or get out and start my business. I know Josh wants to get out but I don’t know what I want to do. I want to support him as his wife but I don’t want to lose sight of my own dreams either.

I have been wondering when to have kids. Heck, am I even capable of having and/or providing for kids?? While Josh is worried about messing up either one of our daughters (whenever we have them), I’m just worried about messing them up at all. I’m worried that I won’t be as good of a parent as my parents – that I’ll screw it up even worse and people will think I’m a horrible daughter.

This isn’t really a question but more an issue of whining on my part. Why is it that I can run really well, do my sit-ups and push-ups to pass the PRT but I can’t seem to lose weight????? I really don’t like my body right now – as much as I love my mother – why did I have to get her hips? It doesn’t help when I gain weight and have to get taped at my hips!

Random Story

The corner was the perfect waiting spot. No one could sneak up from behind; no one could escape her eye. Her anxiety had no abated since she had walked in; it wouldn’t leave til she did. But she had to be here, she just had to.

Sitting in a little two-seater booth, she remained unnoticed. Jasmine yellow shutters stood floor to ceiling separated the dining room into sections; carpet covered the floor in an asparagus green where the sandstone tiles were not present. The outermost walls were also covered in the same sandstone tiles as the main walkways. The greens, yellows and browns complimented each other and gave the place a simple, yet refined, combination of country and city.

Person after person, family after family came in. The smells of lunch filled the air. Fresh warm bread, homemade soups and pies all combined their enticing smells to remind one of home. All except one, that is. She was too attentive to detail to smell the scents without hearing the noise. Pots and pans banging, cooks and servers arguing, parents scolding their children, but over all, laughter.

Pure, sweet, mischievous laughter emanated from a little boy about 10ft away. His dad was tickling him while his mother gently smiled. A twinge of jealousy sprouted in her; why couldn’t she have had that?

Day121

The last two days have been rather boring and dull. I haven’t really done anything worth mentioning except for starting to read “A Tale of Two Cities” by Charles Dickens. I do have to say that I never, ever, ever wanna hear anyone tell me that my sentences can ramble or be long and excessive or be too descriptive when the first paragraph in this book is one sentence! I am not kidding!! It’s a good book so far. Tomorrow is gonna be busy and fun so night y’all!!

Day116

My morning was rough. I have no idea why but it was. There were so many little things that bothered me that shouldn’t have and I know I should have taken it to God but I didn’t and my whole day was ruined because I kept harping on it and fuming about it. I had to make 4 batches of fudge today which is actually a small amount compared to the amount I was making a month ago but for some reason, it just seemed to take forever.

Tonight was insanely crazy! At least it was for me. I drove my mom and my sisters to CheerXtreme, drove the older sis all the way across town for AHG, drove across town and back so younger sis can go to AHG as well, then drove back and forth to pick up Mom from CheerXtreme and then we came home. I did nothing but drive for about 3 hrs. It’s exhausting.

Still haven’t heard from Zack – keeping him in my prayers. 143

Day115

Mom had her first class teaching ASL this morning. It wasn’t too bad but there a couple of kids who are gonna be interesting to see how they do. On the way home my littlest brother threw up. We had just enough time to clean out the van before I left to take Stuart to WHHS. After dropping him off, I went to the office and helped out some. Can you believe that I leave in about 7.5 wks?! Yeah, I can’t either! When I was weighed today, I had gained a couple of pounds. Not what I wanted to hear right now. Anyways, the guys were in such a good mood that it was almost comical. When, after picking up Stuart, I made it home, I decided to go get some pics for today. I went out to the old torn down trailer, and got some cool shots, and had a really cool one set up when my battery died. I came up, grabbed my back-up only to discover that it was also dead. Darn! I’m gonna try to get the pic tomorrow. Right around bedtime, the littlest brother threw up again. Poor baby looks miserable. We don’t know why he is sick either. Hopefully he will be better tomorrow. Night y’all!

Day113

Today was a pretty boring day. It was cloudy and/or raining for most of the day so we were all inside and of course, the little ones had tons of energy and nowhere to spend it. So, they were running around like crazy.

Stuart and I got into a bit of a tiff over the Wii and later we both felt bad about it. Suffice to say, the Wii is in Mom’s room til further notice. Mom has her first day of class tomorrow so, we are all heading to bed earlier than normal. Oh, and since it’s beautiful outside (as beautiful as one can get with it being cloudy) the babies are sleeping outside. Well, Night!!!

Day112

In 7 weeks, I will leave for Basic. I will no longer be my own person. I will be a part of something bigger than myself, something international and something amazing. I will be a part of America’s Navy; I will be a Sailor. So why am I so scared? Maybe it’s because I don’t feel ready. Maybe because I will be gone from my family for the longest stretch of time or maybe because…..you know, I don’t know why I’m scared.

Today was a good day actually. Beautiful weather, loverly lunch with the family and I got some cleaning accomplished. Zack was supposed to call from Camp Lejune today but that didn’t happen. I don’t know if it’s cause his phone died or what but I feel kinda depressed now. I’ve had the devil whispering in my ear that everything that Zack told me was a lie but we all know that the devil is the Father of lies and everything he says is a lie. I know that God has this situation in control and I’m not gonna worry about it or Zack. Well, I’m off to bed! Night!

Day112

Today seemed to go on forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t go to bed til about 0200 because I hadn’t heard from my parents who were on their land search and then I was up about 6 hrs later and I didn’t feel like I slept well at all. FYI, they did find the person but not where they were looking and yes, he is ok.

After a couple of rifts with the younger ones, and running all over this side of the county, I was off to a birthday party for a friend of my younger siblings. They had a blast and it was nice to see some people that I hadn’t seen in a while. We came home, I raced to AC to pick up S and then the older 3 of us went to the back to have a sing-along Mamma Mia time!

Other than that, I just feel miserable. I think it’s because I miss Zack and I just wanna be with him. It might be that I’m tired but the first one sounds more romantic, don’t you think? Anyways, I’m off to bed!

Day109 – Rambles of a Lonely Heart

Man, oh man. Today was just interesting. For starters, I didn’t sleep well at all. Surprise, surprise but last night was really bad. Had some arguments with my siblings this morning which didn’t help matters and to top it off, the carrots we were gonna use for the stew tonight froze, somehow, in the fridge. Which meant that I had to drive to the store and get some. By the way, did I mention that I hadn’t eaten yet? Sugary pop-tarts and Dr. Pepper – breakfast for slackers and believe me, I regretted it later.

Stuart had JROTC and auditions at WHHS this afternoon, and Mom and Dad had a retirement banquet tonight and I had my DEP meeting (which I will talk about in a minute) and McDaniel had CheerXTreme tonight as well.

My DEP meeting was pretty ok considering it was pretty much put together at the last minute due to the fact that no one could get to the office to plan it. I have officially realized how immature some of them are but that there is not a thing I can do to change that. I am proud to say that I know my General Order’s and my Sailor’s Creed as well. Yippee for me!!

In another random note: Justin pulled me up in chat tonight and while I admit I was a bit rude, he kinda deserved it after the hell I went through the week after Thanksgiving. Guys who are reading this, pay attention. Don’t tell a girl you love her one night and then the next day say you wanna be friends and then the day after that go back to saying you love her. Not only will you break her heart repeatedly, but it’ll make you look like a jerk. Just don’t do that, ok? We’ll stick around and hope that we are the one who will change you but after a while, we will walk away. And our heart will be broken so much, and so many tears will have been shed that we aren’t even sure if we are fixable again.

Day108 – Ice, Ice Baby

…now that I have that stuck in your head, let me recount my day.

Wake up = check

Eat breakfast, take a shower and get dressed = check

Take 141 pics in the snow for about an hr all the while freezing my…nose off (you thought I was gonna be naughty, didn’t you?) = check

Eat lunch, edit pics down to 34, and watch movies all afternoon = check

Run all over the AC area and then get my butt kicked on the Wii by my younger brother = priceless, I mean, check

There you have it. My day as a whole. Now, tomorrow is gonna be fun! Night!